to fly (or to fall)
by AlwaysPadfoot
Summary: Louis is seven when he first hears the whispered word schizophrenia. Warnings inside.


**AN:** Prompts will be displayed at the bottom to avoid them potentially giving away things.

 **WARNINGS: MENTAL HEALTH (INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS)**

* * *

 **to fly (or to fall)**

 **AlwaysPadfoot**

* * *

Louis is seven when he first hears the whispered word _schizophrenia_.

He's sat in his St Mungo's bed, paging through one of his favourite comic books that Dominique has brought in for him. His parents and Healer Finnegan are talking in low voices by the door. He tries to eavesdrop, but he only makes out a few words — _just a child_ , _problem_ , and _schizophrenia_. He doesn't even know what the last one means. They are talking about him, that he knows, but since he can't hear what they're saying, he assumes that his superpower is not supersonic hearing.

Making a mental note to cross that, and _indestructible_ , off his list at home, Louis ponders what power to try next. Since the Muggle car that hit him after he jumped in front of it broke his arm and several ribs, he figures he is probably not a healer either. The Healers — not a good name in his opinion since they use magic to heal — had to fix all his injuries.

He tries to visualise the list at home in his bedside drawer. Perhaps he will try invisibility next, or maybe making things move with his mind. He knows there's a word for the latter one; he just can't remember it right now.

 _The three adults are still talking about you._

Louis' eyes drift back across to his parents and the Healer. His mum's blue eyes are red and puffy; Victoire told him she'd cried a lot because she thought he was going to die. He doesn't know why she's still upset. He is fine now. His dad keeps running his hand through his ginger hair, which Louis has seen him do when he's working in the office. Maybe Dad has a lot of work to do today.

Healer Finnegan's eyebrows are pushed together in a frown, and there's a crinkle above his nose.

His expression strikes Louis as odd, because when Uncle George brings him over, the Healer is always laughing. On Louis' last birthday, he taught him Muggle magic tricks. Apparently, according to Dominique, Healer Finnegan will soon be Uncle Seamus. Louis likes the sound of having another Uncle.

He goes back to reading his comic. The superhero — the Flash — in the story he is reading has super speed. Louis doesn't have super speed.

He's already tried that one.

 **oOo**

Louis sits cross-legged on the window seat, reading a comic in the bedroom he's been given.

They've lived in Shell Cottage for nearly six months, but it still doesn't feel like _his_ room. The ceiling is too low, he misses having a carpet beneath his feet, and at night, the voice in his head tells him there are monsters in the wardrobe.

He voices a lot of complaints: about the cold floors, about the seagulls that screech early in the morning, about the wind chimes that Dominique has put up and refuses to take down. Dad says they are never moving back to the city. Mum tells him that the fresh air is good for his lungs and that he should make the most of having a garden. When Louis asks Victoire why they moved, she says it's because of him, in case he decides to throw himself in front of a car again. He thinks she's even more annoyed about moving than he is.

When it's clear they really are staying here, Louis tries to find some positives amongst the ever-growing list of negatives. What he does like, he supposes, is that he can see the sea from the bedroom window.

He finds himself sitting, writing out lists of superpowers with Kipper the Cockadoodle sprawled across his lap, watching the waves come in and out.

He guesses he likes Kipper too. The whole family had always wanted a dog, but in the apartment they lived in before, dogs weren't allowed. And with both of his sisters now at Hogwarts, Mum was even more keen to find a dog that likes Louis. It's safe to say that Kipper the Cockadoodle (which Louis finds a really funny word) likes him. He goes everywhere with Louis.

So when he suddenly comes up with testing whether he can breathe underwater, Kipper follows him downstairs and out onto the sand.

They leave footprints and paw prints in the wet sand in their wake as they run towards the sea. The waves lap at his feet — the water feels like ice. Louis looks down as he wiggles his toes, his skin even paler from the cold. Maybe he should have picked a warmer day. But then, this will only take a second, and if it doesn't work, he can go sit in front of the fireplace. Forcing himself to ignore the temperature of the water, he walks forward until it's up to his knees.

And then his hips.

And then his chest.

Kipper yelps repetitively from the shallows of the water behind him, but Louis just takes a deep breath and plunges himself under the water. The cold water is fast soaking into his trousers and jumper, and after taking a moment to adjust, he tries to breathe.

It doesn't work. _You're a failure._

Salt water fills his mouth and nose. He breaks the surface, coughing and spluttering, and finds that he can't tread water very well. He thinks he might throw up, or drown, if he doesn't get back to the shore.

By some miracle, he does. He kneels in the shallows, his lungs burning as he throws up salt water. Kipper is at his side, licking his face furiously. Louis drags himself onto the shore, water lapping at his feet as he collapses into the sand. His fingernails have turned blue and his skin is following suit. He can't breathe underwater, and his body is now shaking from the cold. Kipper pulls at his sleeves, and he's dimly aware that he has to go back to the house to get warm.

He makes it back, shivering uncontrollably, and drops down in front of the fireplace.

That's where his mum finds him only a few seconds later. Louis thinks she's going to be mad at him for getting water everywhere, but his lips have turned blue and he finds himself nearly falling asleep, so instead, she sets to warming him up.

He's sick for three weeks.

 **oOo**

"I didn't set the house on fire because I don't like it!" Louis folds his freckled arms across his chest and scowls as the Healer peers at him accusingly from across his desk. "Why don't you believe me?!"

"I believe you. I just believe everyone else too."

 _He thinks you're crazy, not powerful._ The voice in his head has been whispering a lot more recently, and now, Louis is sat opposite a Healer who specialises in people who are sick in their mind. His parents think he's sick; they don't believe that he's got powers. They don't believe he's special. _They're always going to think you're sick until you find your inner power._

Louis grits his teeth at the whispers in his ear.

It's not like he hasn't been trying to find his power. He's been searching for years. He's not indestructible; he's not telekinetic; he can't talk to animals; he can't breathe underwater; and, as he found out this afternoon, he isn't a pyrokinetic either.

"Louis, if you didn't set your room on fire because you don't like the house, then why did you do it?" Healer Morgan asks.

 _He's judging you._

Louis twitches. Healer Morgan is a balding man, who peers over the top of his ill-fitting glasses a lot. The buttons on his shirt strain a little at the bottom, suggesting he's hiding either a beer belly or a food baby underneath — that, or he's pregnant somehow. Louis scoffs at the thought.

"You won't believe me," he says finally.

 _You should lie to him. Otherwise, they're going to think you're crazy._

It takes all of his restraint to stop himself from snapping at the voice in his head. He knows he should lie; he's not stupid.

"Make me believe you," Healer Morgan suggests, sitting back in his chair.

Louis uses the same lie he told his parents when they confronted him after they'd tackled the fire in his room. "It was accidental magic."

"Now I don't believe you, Louis," Healer Morgan responds. "Your father saw you with matches in your hand, just watching the flames in your room. You could have died."

 _Crazy. You're crazy. You nearly killed everybody._ The voice sings it in his ears, repeating it over and over again whilst Healer Morgan continues to talk — his voice simply background noise now. _Crazy. You're crazy. Everyone thinks you're crazy._

Louis can't help himself.

"Stop!" His yell cracks, and a sob escapes his mouth as he slams his hands over his ears. "Just stop! I'm not crazy — I'm not. I'm not crazy — I'm not."

 _Crazy. Crazy. You're going fucking crazy._

He gives up entirely. He will never find his inner power like this.

Louis breaks.

 **oOo**

After three years of treatment and therapy, Louis is finally cleared to attend Hogwarts at the beginning of fourth year.

Provided he takes his medication and meets with his therapist every two weeks, everyone is happy for him to go. No one's more happy than him, however. Not being able to attend Hogwarts was something of a sore spot for him over the years. It certainly made him feel lower than low. But, finally, he boards the train with excitement coursing through his veins and hope in his heart for the future.

No one told him how hard it would be to be the new kid.

His Hufflepuff housemates already have tight friendship groups. Some people try to include him, but most people don't, and Louis finds himself starting to feel lonely. He misses home; he misses his family — even Victoire; he misses Kipper the Cockadoodle. He starts losing himself in comics again, spending hours thumbing through worn copies from home. When he lies in bed at night, he feels more alone than he's ever felt in his entire life, even with his fellow Hufflepuffs close by. It's so quiet that he regularly finds himself overwhelmed and unable to sleep.

It's a few days after his early-November birthday when he stops taking his medication.

It's less than forty-eight hours before he starts hearing whispers again.

The relief is immense. For a while, he feels a lot better — far less depressed than the previous month. He smiles more; he enjoys classes more; he talks to people more frequently. Until, one night, there's a soft whisper in his ear.

 _I know what you can do now._

Louis turns over in bed and mutters at the voice to "go away".

 _But I've had a lot of time to think, and I know. I really, really know._

For a few minutes, Louis succeeds in ignoring the voice. His therapist has told him that he doesn't have super powers — that he's just suffering from bad mental health. He doesn't have a super power. He _does not_ have a super power. He isn't able to run with super speed; he can't communicate with animals; he isn't able to manipulate the weather—

 _You can fly, Louis._

"What?" Louis sits up in bed as he hisses the word, glad that in Hufflepuff, they have their own segments to sleep in. "What are you talking about?"

 _Think about it, Lou. Eighty percent of the Weasleys can fly like professionals. And even in your Delacour blood, there's a bunch of proficient fliers. Your natural affinity is air._

Louis isn't sure. It kind of makes sense, he supposes, but he's just spent the last three years being told repetitively that he isn't special — that he doesn't have super powers.

 _They want you to believe that you're crazy so that you can't be better than them. Louis, they want to beat you down. Remember overhearing what your dad said about you after you refused to take the potions because they made you lose your appetite and sleep all day._

Dad practically force-fed them to him in lieu of admitting him to St Mungo's. Louis heard him and Mum talking later about how hard this was on them — about how they wished that he would just stop fighting them. He remembers how angry he was that they'd made it about them.

 _It's about you, Louis. It's about how everyone would rather see you forever on medication than see you as who you're supposed to be. You're not crazy._

"I'm… _not_ crazy," Louis repeats slowly.

 _And you can fly; I promise you this time. You were born to fly. I believe you can fly._

"I believe I can fly."

 **oOo**

The wind whips around Louis as he stands on the precipice of one of the Quidditch stands. With his arms outstretched, he lets the night air fill his lungs as he gazes up at the stars. He smiles softly. He'll be amongst them soon, soaring higher than any wizard ever has.

 _You're ready, Louis._

He'll be a superhero like in the comics.

He steps forward.

* * *

 **Comps and Prompts**

 **QLFC, Round 8** \- CHASER 3: K-pop song - _Dinosaur_ by AKMU. Theme - believing in the unbelievable even when nobody else does. [, 11. (word) cockadoodle, 12. (dialogue) "I believe you. But I believe everyone else too.", 14. (character) Louis Weasley]

 **Assignment 3: Gardening, Task 8** : Write about someone viewed as innocent or pure.

 **IHC** : 526. Action - Whispering

 **365** : 119. Era - Next Gen

 **CYB** — C3. Bill Weasley

 **Ami's Audio Admirations** — 15. Write about someone who is one in a million.

 **Lo's Lowdown** — Q1

 **SC — Days of the Year** — August 11 2018 - Son and Daughter Day: Write a kidfic

 **SC — Shay's Musical Challenge** — 40. Into the Woods: write about doing something dangerous to achieve your goal.

 **SC — Gryffindor Prompts** — Easy: Bill Weasley

 **Word Count:** 2199


End file.
